Frusteration

the 21st marked 9 months since i held nolans warm body close to me as i kissed him a million times and said goodbye,it was an alright day , i cried listening to his song in the car. (hold my hand). I didnt dwell in the fact he died i just remember him and miss him lots wishing i could burst into his room and surprise him to see his huge smile and hear him giggle. We love him so much.I dont think that love will ever die.

Onto my frusteration...School starts January 2nd they want the full tuition for the 2 classes im taking on the first day of school which adds up too 1540.00 I dont qualify for the part time coverage due to the income being to high.Im hopeing to find someother subsidy because in all reality we still have bills,rent and other things to pay for im putting money away into savings but i know i wont have enough when the time comes.In the 2 years of school that i need i have 13 classes. each at 770.00!!! makes me sick to stomach that they charge so much for people to better their lives and future.Not to mention im going to college after...i will be in debt for along time.I want to do this and i am going to...just wish i had some help to make my life better and do what i want to do in life and become a nurse! Im going to look into funding from the government but untill then my 2 years of upgrading will cost me 10,000. i cant believe it.

Stired up emotions...

Its nearly 8 months since our Nolan passed on, these past 2 months have gone to fast...and now that things are slowing down alittle those emotions that i havent been able to feel amongst the crazy life are now comming to the surface again.I think i have been trying to avoid it all and act like he didnt die, now im going to pay for it.These days i have been looking at his pictures daily and watching his videos the reality of not seeing him here in our home is hurting me deeply.I would give anything to have him here hearing his giggles and seeing his huge smile, nolan brought light to any room, even if that room was bright he made it even brighter with his presence.

Lexi is keeping us going forsure, she starts preschool on the 20th so ive been busy trying to prepare her and getting stuff organized, i dont know what i would do without her.She's hurting for her little brother as well, and it kills me to have to explain that he will never be back in our time.Her 4th birthday is comming up on the 25th i cant beleive its been 4 years already.

Im trying to keep busy while Nathan has been gone as well for work, he wont be home for another 2 more weeks,and he hasnt been home in 34 days..so its a strain on him missing home and us while dealing with his greif over his one and only son and best friend whom recently passed in June.I so wish this wasnt happening, our life before was our normal, all the doctor appts,the beeping of nolans machines, the round the clock feeding scheadule and not to mention arms full of everything just to go out somewhere.I want that normal back.Our family was whole then, now we are trying to fit the puzzle peices back, but on our way to do doing that there will always be a huge piece of this puzzle missing.I know he will be our son forever and he will have his place, but as a mother with one empty arm it's hard to push on at times.

Emotions.

We survived his 2nd birthday without him.Im so sad he wasnt and still not here, everyday i find myself thinkin about the things he would be doing, like crawling and playing with his big sister like they did around the clock.My emotions at night kill me, late nights of crying myself to sleep, sometimes frusteration also especially when my mind starts to think about the night he died.I HATE how that is burned into my brain, its something that will never leave.

We went camping july long weekend with the family, had tons of fun! lexi loved sleeping in the tent in her sleeping bag, shes such an outdoors child i love it! Some of the time i found myself thinking how much nolan would of loved camping too how he would be this 2 year old running around with endless energy, but at the same time he wouldnt be nolie without trisomy 18...he seriously melts everyones heart, even strangers who didnt know him, awhed over his cuteness.gosh i miss him.It's nearly 6 months and for me it seems like time is frozen, as everyone else around me is going on with life i feeel stuck, in a grief of wanting my baby back.So september will be a huge a jump going to school, but i think it's going to help me, its going to get me to where i want to be in life, A Nurse! i cant wait till that chapter in my life.

June 25th He would of been 2...

June 25th 2009 at 2:29am Nolan Alex Chisaakay-Soucy deffied all odds and was born Vaginaly and Natural! he made it through 42 weeks of pregnancy and over 12 hours of labour...he came fast near the end i pushed for maybe all of 5 minutes! Although silent at first when he was layed on my tummy he opend his eyes and let out the tinest little cry.I was overcome with emotions and smiled, but i was also concerned about when he was going pass, so i was scared, i was already so inlove with this little person inside of me, and then to finally have him in my arms was just amazing.His 19 months with us was beautiful.I still love him.And always will.This June 25th 2011 he would of been 2, we celebrated his life with family and friends.We had a BBQ,balloon release with notes on them about trisomy 18 hopeing someone will find them!, cake, his music and video.It was a peaceful day. And a great day for all to remember what an amazing little man he was and still is, having a huge impact on so many! We love you little fat man!

A song that touches me deeply.

They let him go.They had no sudden healing.To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is apalling.Who told us we'd be rescued?From what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?Were asking why this happens To us who have died to live?Its unfair.This is what it means to be held how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.This is what is to be loved.And to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.This is what it means to be held...
This song is amaing its called "held" by Natalie Grant.

A step away...

The pain is worse over the past month it could be the fact that Nolan would be turning 2 on the 25th...its eating at me knowing he wont be here.I cry daily, i dream nightly about him, some of those dreams are nightmares trying to bring him back, or knowing conciously he is dying.I HATE it all, and i would give anything to have him back in my arms where i was happy.Im not the same,i dont think i ever will be my tension is very short and i anger easly at people who complain about never having anytime without their kids or never getting that "break" be thankful you have all your children is what i want to scream!!! Im hurting on the inside, its ripping me apart its taking everything of me this grief sucks. I am terrified to go on and have more babies i am scared to death of people around me dying, i dont know how i could deal with another death in my life. 4 months+ is the longest i have been without my little fat man, it feels like an eternity but yet it feels yesterday that he entered this world.

maybe i am forcing myself to get "better" for others around me since i feel like if i bring him up or cry that i am bringing them down with me in my sorrow and pain.I just dont know how else to feel at peace, talking about him and all the great moments are my favourite thing! i laugh talking about the sneeky things he would do like pulling out his NG tube almost everyday, or when he discovered picking his nose and eating it LOL! every little thing he did was such a huge celebration he was always learning new things about himself things we were told he would never do or know he did! I loved every second of his life, even the hard times when he was very sick and i got no sleep, because he was still here and thats all that mattered.

A better day.

It's been alittle while since i shared some deep emotions, i have been having an extremely hard time dealing my grief, anger, and sadness all at once.This pattern always comes around from the 21st to the 25th of every month, makes sense since the day he died was 21st and his monthly birthdays were the 25th.But this time i couldnt control my emotions, i really wanted to run away, i was taking my anger out on Nathan and not giving my full attention to lexi , i cried myself to sleep that night knowing how horrible i was acting and how it wasnt fair to them.I hate feeling this way and i really dont mean to take it out on the ones i love.

Im worried about next month...June, nolans birth month he was due on the 12th but came on the 25th, i get extreme heart pounding anxiety thinking about the things i should be preparing for and organizing.I planned on making a giraffe cake for him.We are still going to have alittle something in his honour but it still will never be the same, i wanted to see his precious smile when we opened his gifts with him, the way his eyes got big when we sang happy birthday he loved the candles, he loved being around people, he was just...love.

I miss how happy i used to be looking into our miracle boys eyes, i feel like i drag everyone down with my sadness, like im trying to climb out of a huge never ending hole.The emotions at times are just so unreal, nothing i have ever imagined i would go through, But i believe i can go on its just going to take time and i hope everyone understands.I know i am going to go on to do amazing things in my life because of this journey, the woman i have become is because of this all.The push to do things that i want like school and nursing is greater than ever, i cant wait to get started.For now i am a mother trying to live with grief and manage a household, It's not an easy task but im doing it.Today was a better a day i dont know what tomorrow will be like, for i am living day to day trying to get better handling this heartache.I know i can do it, i have my Lexi to help me, she is amazing.I think nolan would be proud...