Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Stired up emotions...

Its nearly 8 months since our Nolan passed on, these past 2 months have gone to fast...and now that things are slowing down alittle those emotions that i havent been able to feel amongst the crazy life are now comming to the surface again.I think i have been trying to avoid it all and act like he didnt die, now im going to pay for it.These days i have been looking at his pictures daily and watching his videos the reality of not seeing him here in our home is hurting me deeply.I would give anything to have him here hearing his giggles and seeing his huge smile, nolan brought light to any room, even if that room was bright he made it even brighter with his presence.

Lexi is keeping us going forsure, she starts preschool on the 20th so ive been busy trying to prepare her and getting stuff organized, i dont know what i would do without her.She's hurting for her little brother as well, and it kills me to have to explain that he will never be back in our time.Her 4th birthday is comming up on the 25th i cant beleive its been 4 years already.

Im trying to keep busy while Nathan has been gone as well for work, he wont be home for another 2 more weeks,and he hasnt been home in 34 its a strain on him missing home and us while dealing with his greif over his one and only son and best friend whom recently passed in June.I so wish this wasnt happening, our life before was our normal, all the doctor appts,the beeping of nolans machines, the round the clock feeding scheadule and not to mention arms full of everything just to go out somewhere.I want that normal back.Our family was whole then, now we are trying to fit the puzzle peices back, but on our way to do doing that there will always be a huge piece of this puzzle missing.I know he will be our son forever and he will have his place, but as a mother with one empty arm it's hard to push on at times.