Thursday, May 26, 2011
It's been alittle while since i shared some deep emotions, i have been having an extremely hard time dealing my grief, anger, and sadness all at once.This pattern always comes around from the 21st to the 25th of every month, makes sense since the day he died was 21st and his monthly birthdays were the 25th.But this time i couldnt control my emotions, i really wanted to run away, i was taking my anger out on Nathan and not giving my full attention to lexi , i cried myself to sleep that night knowing how horrible i was acting and how it wasnt fair to them.I hate feeling this way and i really dont mean to take it out on the ones i love.
Im worried about next month...June, nolans birth month he was due on the 12th but came on the 25th, i get extreme heart pounding anxiety thinking about the things i should be preparing for and organizing.I planned on making a giraffe cake for him.We are still going to have alittle something in his honour but it still will never be the same, i wanted to see his precious smile when we opened his gifts with him, the way his eyes got big when we sang happy birthday he loved the candles, he loved being around people, he was just...love.
I miss how happy i used to be looking into our miracle boys eyes, i feel like i drag everyone down with my sadness, like im trying to climb out of a huge never ending hole.The emotions at times are just so unreal, nothing i have ever imagined i would go through, But i believe i can go on its just going to take time and i hope everyone understands.I know i am going to go on to do amazing things in my life because of this journey, the woman i have become is because of this all.The push to do things that i want like school and nursing is greater than ever, i cant wait to get started.For now i am a mother trying to live with grief and manage a household, It's not an easy task but im doing it.Today was a better a day i dont know what tomorrow will be like, for i am living day to day trying to get better handling this heartache.I know i can do it, i have my Lexi to help me, she is amazing.I think nolan would be proud...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Well yesterday was pretty rough,i knew the night before what day was comming the next morning.Waking up was dreadful, but i pulled my butt out of bed and we went fishing.Thought it would help pass this nasty day of the month, another month has came since i have seen my little boy. Fishing was fun but i was crying behind the sunglasses i was glad i was wearing them then i didnt have to answer family as to why i was crying.They say its gets easier part is right, but really the only thing thats gets easier is masking the pain.The pain is always there just easier to hide.So as another month passes i still go on.Next month is going to be hurdle his 2nd birthday, june 25th...im scared, we are still going to have a celebration thing for him even though hes not here, im just going to be scared of the emotions that will come with that. We miss him so bad.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
please mommy,dont ry,do not be sad.
treasure the time however short we had.
I miss you too, but i can feel your love.
Even up here flying,like a little dove.
I know it seems scary,and you feel all alone...
no one can ever replace me,I was your own.
Your sadness means i was loved everyday.
Though you cant see me, beside you I lay.
It takes so much courage,for you to go on.
I know our time together wasnt very long.
But you now will be stronger for knowing me.
It will be okay someday mommy,you will soon see.
In the times that are hard, remember i am here.
Never far from you watching,always very near.
It isnt fair we have to live so far away.
But dont worry, i hear everything you say.
I am with you ever step that you take.
Sending reminders I love you,for your sake.
I grew in your presence but then slipped away.
Intead now forever in your heart i will stay.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Lately its been hard without Nolan, lexi keeps yelling out for her Nolie.She longs for her baby brother and still doesnt fully understand that nolan wont be comming back into this world, only in the other lifetime(something we havent discussed with her yet) explaining to her that nolie is in a better place where he we will longer get sick is easiest.I have had the worst punch in the stomach feeling, like when knowing you cant hold your baby, or walk into his room to see him in his crib with that big smile that makes everything worth it.Its a knock the wind out of me,dizzy catch my breath feeling something i have never experienced untill i have lost my son.We are doing good, we smile,we laugh we go out and do family things.Theres always that feeling where i feel sad through those times though i so badly wanted nolan to exerience these family activities just like he did when he was here, i know he would of loved fishing with his big sister.Nothing will ever feel the same without him, there will always be a piece of my heart missing in everything i do.I so badly want him in our arms again, i dont want this pain anymore.He really taught us alot during his time, and i cant wait to make him proud and become a nurse! This journey is not easy but its one that we will never forget.