June 25th He would of been 2...

June 25th 2009 at 2:29am Nolan Alex Chisaakay-Soucy deffied all odds and was born Vaginaly and Natural! he made it through 42 weeks of pregnancy and over 12 hours of labour...he came fast near the end i pushed for maybe all of 5 minutes! Although silent at first when he was layed on my tummy he opend his eyes and let out the tinest little cry.I was overcome with emotions and smiled, but i was also concerned about when he was going pass, so i was scared, i was already so inlove with this little person inside of me, and then to finally have him in my arms was just amazing.His 19 months with us was beautiful.I still love him.And always will.This June 25th 2011 he would of been 2, we celebrated his life with family and friends.We had a BBQ,balloon release with notes on them about trisomy 18 hopeing someone will find them!, cake, his music and video.It was a peaceful day. And a great day for all to remember what an amazing little man he was and still is, having a huge impact on so many! We love you little fat man!

A song that touches me deeply.

They let him go.They had no sudden healing.To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is apalling.Who told us we'd be rescued?From what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?Were asking why this happens To us who have died to live?Its unfair.This is what it means to be held how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.This is what is to be loved.And to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.This is what it means to be held...
This song is amaing its called "held" by Natalie Grant.

A step away...

The pain is worse over the past month it could be the fact that Nolan would be turning 2 on the 25th...its eating at me knowing he wont be here.I cry daily, i dream nightly about him, some of those dreams are nightmares trying to bring him back, or knowing conciously he is dying.I HATE it all, and i would give anything to have him back in my arms where i was happy.Im not the same,i dont think i ever will be my tension is very short and i anger easly at people who complain about never having anytime without their kids or never getting that "break" be thankful you have all your children is what i want to scream!!! Im hurting on the inside, its ripping me apart its taking everything of me this grief sucks. I am terrified to go on and have more babies i am scared to death of people around me dying, i dont know how i could deal with another death in my life. 4 months+ is the longest i have been without my little fat man, it feels like an eternity but yet it feels yesterday that he entered this world.

maybe i am forcing myself to get "better" for others around me since i feel like if i bring him up or cry that i am bringing them down with me in my sorrow and pain.I just dont know how else to feel at peace, talking about him and all the great moments are my favourite thing! i laugh talking about the sneeky things he would do like pulling out his NG tube almost everyday, or when he discovered picking his nose and eating it LOL! every little thing he did was such a huge celebration he was always learning new things about himself things we were told he would never do or know he did! I loved every second of his life, even the hard times when he was very sick and i got no sleep, because he was still here and thats all that mattered.