Thursday, June 2, 2011

A step away...

The pain is worse over the past month it could be the fact that Nolan would be turning 2 on the 25th...its eating at me knowing he wont be here.I cry daily, i dream nightly about him, some of those dreams are nightmares trying to bring him back, or knowing conciously he is dying.I HATE it all, and i would give anything to have him back in my arms where i was happy.Im not the same,i dont think i ever will be my tension is very short and i anger easly at people who complain about never having anytime without their kids or never getting that "break" be thankful you have all your children is what i want to scream!!! Im hurting on the inside, its ripping me apart its taking everything of me this grief sucks. I am terrified to go on and have more babies i am scared to death of people around me dying, i dont know how i could deal with another death in my life. 4 months+ is the longest i have been without my little fat man, it feels like an eternity but yet it feels yesterday that he entered this world.

maybe i am forcing myself to get "better" for others around me since i feel like if i bring him up or cry that i am bringing them down with me in my sorrow and pain.I just dont know how else to feel at peace, talking about him and all the great moments are my favourite thing! i laugh talking about the sneeky things he would do like pulling out his NG tube almost everyday, or when he discovered picking his nose and eating it LOL! every little thing he did was such a huge celebration he was always learning new things about himself things we were told he would never do or know he did! I loved every second of his life, even the hard times when he was very sick and i got no sleep, because he was still here and thats all that mattered.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you Amanda. His birthday approaching is a huge trigger of missing him as is the time continuing to pass that makes it feel like forever since your sweet baby was in your arms. As the numbness that allowed you to function these last four months fades and the hurt and pain slashes through your day, your night and your every thought...know you are held lovingly by so many; so many who see what an amazing mom you are to Lexi & Nolan. And your precious angel who watches over you and loves you so very much. Keep remembering him, keep talking about him (if someone isn't up for listening, find someone else!), and keep laughing at those memories. And keep writing here and sharing him and all those sweet moments together. I am not the only one who loves hearing about Nolan!

    Holding you close in thoughts & prayers, sending hugs,
    Melissa (Noah's mommy)