Thursday, May 26, 2011
A better day.
It's been alittle while since i shared some deep emotions, i have been having an extremely hard time dealing my grief, anger, and sadness all at once.This pattern always comes around from the 21st to the 25th of every month, makes sense since the day he died was 21st and his monthly birthdays were the 25th.But this time i couldnt control my emotions, i really wanted to run away, i was taking my anger out on Nathan and not giving my full attention to lexi , i cried myself to sleep that night knowing how horrible i was acting and how it wasnt fair to them.I hate feeling this way and i really dont mean to take it out on the ones i love.
Im worried about next month...June, nolans birth month he was due on the 12th but came on the 25th, i get extreme heart pounding anxiety thinking about the things i should be preparing for and organizing.I planned on making a giraffe cake for him.We are still going to have alittle something in his honour but it still will never be the same, i wanted to see his precious smile when we opened his gifts with him, the way his eyes got big when we sang happy birthday he loved the candles, he loved being around people, he was just...love.
I miss how happy i used to be looking into our miracle boys eyes, i feel like i drag everyone down with my sadness, like im trying to climb out of a huge never ending hole.The emotions at times are just so unreal, nothing i have ever imagined i would go through, But i believe i can go on its just going to take time and i hope everyone understands.I know i am going to go on to do amazing things in my life because of this journey, the woman i have become is because of this all.The push to do things that i want like school and nursing is greater than ever, i cant wait to get started.For now i am a mother trying to live with grief and manage a household, It's not an easy task but im doing it.Today was a better a day i dont know what tomorrow will be like, for i am living day to day trying to get better handling this heartache.I know i can do it, i have my Lexi to help me, she is amazing.I think nolan would be proud...