Okay so its been abit since i've poored my heart out, if at all here.Im sooooo broken im trying to be a mommy to Lexi now and its gets difficult due to her missing her little brother as well.I never knew this road existed untill the moment i held nolan as he passed away in my arms, my tears were all over him.And now they all over his photos and blankets.Im missing him more than i ever though i could(if thats even possible) i knew one day he would pass, but i could never prepare myself for that moment, everytime i did i would just cry and shake my head.I never wanted to imagine life without my Nolie.
I cry so much we went icefishing on family day, i was so excited to take Lexi cause as i child i enjoyed it.We got to fishing, i had my sunglasses on due to the sun.There was a family with a small baby and i cried watching them hearing the baby cry or make noise just broke me,no one else knew.I looked at lexi she was so happy running around i just ditracted myself again.I love her.Im now living for her. Nolan would want me to be happy so im trying so damn hard! But sometimes the pain is so much i feel sick, somedays i dont want to get out of bed i just want to cry and avoid everything im feeling that day.
Somehow i pull my head off the pillow and just get on with my day, i visit nolan every morning in his room i look and touch everything i tell him i love him several times during the day.I still havent washed his basket of laundry his scent is all over in his room, i dont think i will for awhile.Life is just hard when you loose a loved one especially your child or baby it shouldnt be the parents planning a funeral or deciding weather to bury or cremate, it should be the opposite its just not fair!!! Nolan had a wonderful life with us and i just want him back i want all the sounds of the machines back on like his feeding pump, i want to change his gtube again, i want to bathe him,i want to lotion him,i want to kiss and smell him, just hold him one more time but i cant.
I do feel some regrets i know i shouldnt but i cant help that either i guess its just the process,we were told that nolan would get better with his virus and that intubating wouldnt help him if he got worse, it would just make his body suffer.But near the end i was scared and wanting him to be intubated thinking maybe he just needed to rest for his lungs to get better.But at the same time we didnt want to see nolan like that, i was confused to why he passed away so fast,one minute here the next gone.I couldnt understand why i thought it would of happend differently like a sign that he would pass away, but we got none.Just him sick.Very very sick RSV,Bacterial Pheunomonia,and Bronchilitis.It just took over and he got tired of fighting when they tried to CPAP him.nothing worked.It was difficult picking him up off that bed knowig he would die in my arms, i felt like i was going to collapse my knees were weak, i was dizy, i was heeving trying to get my last words out without fainting i told him we loved him and that he was so beautiful,that he changed my life forever, i kissed him so much and so did nathan he kissed his head and tried to hold him with me.He just went peacefuly what we wanted from the beginning but we never really knew how to prepare and here we are dealing with it.Nolan Alex Chisaakay-Soucy has made me a better person i miss him more than anyone could understand and when i say im alright im really not i know with time that maybe i will be alright but for now im missing him and i will be for a very loong time.I love him
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