My Dream.

Well it finally happend! Nolan mommy had the sweetest dream about you, i have waited 3 long months just to feel you in my dreams,just to spend a little time with you.It was so nice to see you well.I was carrying you around in the house and it was snack time so i set you in your highchair, you were so excited! I put a yogurt and spoon your tray and you gave me the look like, arent you going to feed me? I wanted to see if you could do it yourself, iwatched you pick the spoon up put it in the container of yougurt and feed yourself!! you made a huge mess, but it was a wonderful mess seeing the huge smile on your face.once you were done i picked you up and was holding you, i didnt want to put you down.I walked all day with you in my arms, everyone was asking how you came back, and i simply said,"the doctors made a mistake you werent really gone." You were soooo alive in my dream! i woke with a smile on my face! It was the best dream i had ever had. I love you, and i hope i have more dreams more often like this.It's nice having "our" time even if its dreaming.

3 months already :(

(picture was taken about 1 week after nolans gtube surgery and fundo repair he was nearly 13 months old, we almost lost him.Here he is cpap machine a higher flow of oxygen to help open his lungs up)

Yesterday April 21st marked 3 months since Nolie passed away in my arms, the vision of that will never leave my mind.Although peaceful, it was the worst day of my life.For parents who have lost their child, no matter what age knows this pain.It's a pain that stays in your heart forever, and the waves of grief never go away.I find myself watching his videos everyday,looking through his photographs and smelling his clothes.Its the only way find comfort in knowing he lived, and that i did everything i could for him to have a comfortable life as much as possible with little intervention, i believe in treating your child how you would want to be treated in that kind of situation and for me, i would want to be comfortable leaving this world.I think we succeeded in this for Nolan.

His death was beautiful very peaceful even if i was a mess, he knew we were right there and the peace over his little face was a first in over 1 week, he was ready to go and we let him know it was okay even if we were crying.19 months is beyond what we were expecting and i can live with that, nolan lived a happy life and had barely any hospital stays..3 in his 19 months of life is just simply amazing. Doctors are still shocked at how little medical care he required through his journey. He did us proud, and now im planning to do him proud. He's my inspiration to fulfill my dream of nursing.For both my babies. I love my family.

Replaying over and over.

**Sigh** Well lastnight wasnt very good for me, i was trying to go to bed but my brain was replaying Nolans last hours,minutes and seconds over and over again, it puts me in tears everytime this happens.I dont know why i do this it's like i cant control when it happens! I just wish there was a switch in my brain that i could turn off to stop it when it begins to happen.I would rather remember nolans happy moments with us.The ones that make me smile,and laugh.I had blamed myself for the first 8 weeks that he was gone because i felt like we didnt fight hard enough to keep him alive that if maybe we did intubate that he may have made it alittle longer, but i know that would of been selfish since his brain was shutting down and all response systems werent responding to treatments anymore.Nolan's entire 4 short days in the hospital and the only time he was at peace and calm was when he was dieing.He needed to go to be free of pain...no more sickness no more poking no more anything just free from it all.That helps me through this is all, is knowing he will never experience it again.He so amazing, my kids are my everything.

Lexi's visit to Dr.Mcgonigle/Giving nolans medical equipment back.

Yesterday was Lexi's checkup,she was pretty excited to have a nurse look her over! she weighs 30lbs and is 37inches tall! We followed up on her heart murmur which was still there Doctor said it was innocent but he will be watching it as time goes on.For her behavioural issues, it's all apart of her not fully understanding that her brother is gone and not comming back.Putting her therapy would be pointless at this age cause she wont understand that either, maybe later in life.For now i was told to discipline her as normal and not let her get away with everything just because she's mourning her brother.At times i would feel bad for putting her time out and listening to her yell and cry.But we can't let her run us.Before we left for the appointment she really thought we were going to pick nolan up to bring him home. It's so heartbreaking having to explain to her all over again.

After her appointment we headed over to the Stollery to drop off Nolans borrowed heart/oxygen monitor,feeding pump,and suction machine...walking into the doors of the hospital that we visited during nolans sick times and surgery i didnt think i would feel so empty :( it was exremely hard.Like i just wanted to run upstairs to see if he was okay, but i still know conciously that he's gone.I talked with his nutrition team about what happend as they were all so shocked with nolans passing, but also shockd he lived 19 months! and the things he accomplished were just amazing.I know that going to that hospital will never be easy as our last memory of him alive was there and him passing was there as well, its just a place that he sometimes needed in his time of sickness.we will always miss him.

Juna!

Alright so we finally have a new puppy, she is a Black Lab/Retriever...she was a surprise for Lexi we knew about her for over 2 weeks we even went to pick her out of a liter of 19 puppies! She has now been home for about 5 days and is doing great...she sure is keeping busy since she is only 8 weeks old, she requires tons of going outside to go pee,although she does have lots of accidents around the house.We are happy with her!

The light that shines on

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you.

We thought of you.

We thought of you with love today. But that is nothing new. We thought about you yesterday. And days before that too. We think of you in silence. We often speak your name. Now all we have is memories. And your pictures in frames. Your memory is our keepsake. With which we'll never part.Untill we meet in paradise. We have you in our heart..

Always talk to us about him....

~ If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that YOU remembered that they lived, and that... is a great gift. ~Mentioning Nolan is what i want~ ♥

Trying to make his Sister happy.

These 9weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life.Not only is Nolan gone, but lexi has been grieving and its been so hard to make her happy.When we take her out she acts out in the strangest ways like yelling at us and at times hitting us in public if she doesnt get her own way about something.This is something lexi has never done before, when we would go out as a family she would be on her best behaviour and not make such a scene everyone in the grocery store.Us greiving as parents is making it difficult to handle her at times, its so hard :_( i just want to scream and breakdown.I dont even know how i go on.I just do it.It's hard, i feel like im living a nightmare and i just would like to wake up and have things to the way they were 9 weeks ago.Unfortunatley that wont happen in my life time, i know we will meet in paradise oneday and i will finally have my Nolan back.I can't wait till that day.Nathan and I are doing best to help lexi, we do so many daily activities such as walking outside, playing in the yard,swimming etc... But it just seems like nothing is good enough for her at the moment, i know it will pass (i hope) very soon.Untill then we are trying to make his sister happy.