**Sigh** Well lastnight wasnt very good for me, i was trying to go to bed but my brain was replaying Nolans last hours,minutes and seconds over and over again, it puts me in tears everytime this happens.I dont know why i do this it's like i cant control when it happens! I just wish there was a switch in my brain that i could turn off to stop it when it begins to happen.I would rather remember nolans happy moments with us.The ones that make me smile,and laugh.I had blamed myself for the first 8 weeks that he was gone because i felt like we didnt fight hard enough to keep him alive that if maybe we did intubate that he may have made it alittle longer, but i know that would of been selfish since his brain was shutting down and all response systems werent responding to treatments anymore.Nolan's entire 4 short days in the hospital and the only time he was at peace and calm was when he was dieing.He needed to go to be free of pain...no more sickness no more poking no more anything just free from it all.That helps me through this is all, is knowing he will never experience it again.He so amazing, my kids are my everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment